Disclaimer: This post has a fair amount of profanity in it. If that kind of thing offends you, you might want to skip this one.
I originally wrote this back in April when the federal government shutdown was looming. With the debt ceiling due to be reached in 9 days, I felt it was appropriate to repost with a couple of additions.
At the time of this writing, Congress has less than 24 hours to hug it out and agree on the budget for FY2011…you know, the fiscal year we’re seven months into. If they don’t, the federal government shuts down..apparently because when you’re up to Cthulhu‘s ass in debt, there’s no more check floating for you. Only up to your ass, still perfectly fine, but not when your debt is a Great Old One all by itself and the sight of it drives mere mortals to insanity.
Obama has said he won’t accept another continuing resolution and for once, I agree with him. That’s right, kiddies, you heard it here first: ski season is officially open in Hell. Now, I’ll ignore the fact that this budget should have been figured out about 9 months ago. I know there’s the argument of “Blame the last Congress!” It’s a bullshit argument and it’s the equivalent of “blame Bush for everything!” To quote Philip Hansen Anselmo, “yesterday don’t mean shit.” Pissing and moaning, finger-pointing and whining, it accomplishes nothing and it’s for kindergartners. I don’t care how we got into this mess, I’m only concerned in how we’re going to get out of it. Fortunately for everyone, I have a plan (go ahead, roll your eyes at the pure ego in that statement).
I can’t claim that I came up with all of this. This was hammered out between three individuals who are known for being stubborn uncompromising bastards. We managed a record four compromises, which is at least an order of magnitude beyond any Congressional actions in the last half of my life. Some of these suggestions may seem irrational to you folks, but let’s be honest, we’re beyond rational solutions at this point. Some of these suggestions may…hell, who am I kidding, WILL piss off at least a solid 10% of the world’s population. Tough. They don’t have 5,000+ nuclear warheads, we do.
First off, we furlough Congress for a year. That’s right, they don’t work for a year. I know, I know, you’re already saying, “but Steve, they DON’T work!” Stick with me here. They fall under the same rules that are about to be implemented. They don’t come to work, they don’t GET PAID, and they may not volunteer to work for free. That’s illegal for a federal employee, by the way. It’s true, furloughed federal employees are forbidden to work by law. It’s a criminal offense. So Congress will be furloughed for a year…that should be a decent chunk of change…let’s crunch the numbers. In 2006 (best numbers I had to work with…yeah, I didn’t spend much time on research. Sue me.), Congress-critters made $169,458 a year on average. Multiply that by the Gang of 535…adds up to (drum roll) $88,520,400 for the Congressional salary budget. Sounds like a good start. Next, when we allow them to return to work, we’re gutting their staffing budgets. They get enough to pay three people competitive wages for the DC area. They want more? Comes out of their own pockets. “Fact-finding missions” will no longer be supported unless there is already a military cargo flight headed that direction. They want comfort, they pay for a commercial ticket out of their own pockets. Otherwise they can strap their asses into a C-17 or C-130 like everyone else. Trust me, they’ll be punching and kicking each other for the last seat on the C-17s. Anyone who has flown mil air on a Herky-bird knows what I’m talking about. Which explains why paratroopers are willing to jump out of them. They’re THAT uncomfortable.
Next, sell the UN Plaza to the highest bidder. Real estate in Manhattan is outrageously expensive, let’s make some money off of it before Bloomberg figures out a way to. I figure with as many times US military personnel have been involved in UN “peace-keeping” missions, they owe us money. We’ll just take the real estate, thank you. Which leads me to the next one.
Submit a bill for services rendered to the following countries and organizations: Korea, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Libya, NATO, the United Nations ten times over. If you have requested and received armed support in the past 50 years (and are still a sovereign nation), we’re calling your debts. Give us thumbs up all you want, gratitude don’t pay the bills.
Shut down the following government departments/agencies completely:
– Department of Homeland Security: face it, Homeland Security has done exactly jack and shit to “secure the homeland”. Dissolve the Department, any agencies that existed prior to 2002 and absorbed by DHS revert back to wherever they came from. Any new agencies that were formed as part of DHS are eliminated as well.
– Federal Communications Commission: Sorry, but I don’t know of any US citizen that needs to be protected from Janet Jackson’s teat, the Seven Dirty Words, South Park, or Howard Stern. You don’t like it? Don’t listen to it. Don’t want your kids to hear it? Change the station. My tax dollars are not there to protect your children, that’s why they’re YOUR children.
– Environmental Protection Agency: We’re not funding tree huggers. They’re hippies. End of story.
– Peace Corps: Your country, your problem. Not ours. I’m sure there are plenty of folks willing to help you with construction projects to better your country. We usually find ours outside of Home Depot. They’re willing to work cheap, but first come, first served. Oh, and brush up on your Spanish, because English is definitely their second language…maybe third.
– Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives: Oh yeah, big time. Eliminate the agency. If that Project Gunrunner shit on the Mexican border is any indication of how these assholes operate, they’re fucking up like alley cats. Need another shining example of how they conduct business? Waco, Texas 18 years ago. Stellar track record there. Shut the place down and waterboard the management.
– Food and Drug Administration: I originally wanted to eliminate them altogether, however, one of my worthy compatriots had a better suggestion. FDA gets to continue to operate, but has no power to enforce the limits they propose. Anyone who looks to circumvent those limits (Monster, Red Bull, 4 Loko, I’m looking at you) gets to produce whatever the hell they want. However, it’ll cost them 10% of their profits as a penalty. Waivers will be issued for particularly clever ways of circumventing FDA’s limits.
I’m all for severely trimming all federal agencies, but those are the ones that piss me off the most. Therefore, they’re getting cut first.
Flat tax across the board, no deductions, no exceptions. This time of year, we’re all intimately familiar with the US Tax Code and how convoluted it is. Simplify it, everyone fills out a 1040EZ, and we can reduce the size of the IRS by half as a result.
No more charity. That’s not to say individuals can’t contribute to the Red Cross when another tsunami inundates Japan, Indonesia, etc. But we will NOT spend federal funds helping others. Sorry, we got enough problems of our own. You don’t donate your entire paycheck to United Way. You pay your bills first, then you donate what you can afford. Hospital ships will be allowed to go, however, we will be billing afterwards. Interest compounded quarterly. “We won’t pay you Yankee gangsters!” Okay. Don’t come crying to us next time then. “Our country is ruined and we have nothing to pay you with.” Got natural resources? We’ll take ’em. “But this is our soil!” Fuck you, pay me.
There’s what we have as a start. I can hear it now, “Cut Medicare! Cut Social Security! Think of the people you’ll be putting out of work! We have to be part of a global community! Won’t somebody please think of the children?!” Two words: Shut up. That kind of emotional bullshit got us to this point in the first place. It is not the federal government’s job to care for you. That’s YOUR job. Everyone needs a hand now and then, I can dig that. But I’m not here to support you. I already have my own family to support.
We’re at T-minus 21 hours 15 minutes. If Congress doesn’t pull their heads out of their asses and do their jobs today, I would dearly love to see all of them out of a job at the end of their respective terms. Forever. Actually, I’d dearly love to see them commit mass self-immolation on the Capitol steps. If only to see Barbara Mikulski running around on fire and punching herself in the head to put out the flames. Burning midgets are funny.